Stories from Ched Nasad

[Ilimetha]

Ilimetha would only chuckle and shake her head, looking at the mixed group left behind. She'd lean over to Reginald as she'd pass by.

"Please don't let them burn down the bar while we're gone. This shouldn't take long."

She'd continue to walk out of the bar, stepping over someone who had passed out right near the door. Outside she'd pause, the toe of her boot tapping against the cold stone beneath it as she took in a quick and sharp breath. This lower level always had a faint aroma of piss and giant lizard dung. Smelled like home really. Visiting and staying at the Barra'jusron estate was nice. It was clean, perfumed, and had other unexpected benefits such as being able to stare at the Matron's ass and get away with it. Not to mention the other pretty pleasure servants she kept around. But she grew up in the pits of Ched and would always feel more comfortable dealing with the dregs. Not that messing with the pompous didn't have it's delights too, but there was just something about being able to just straight punch a person in the mouth as a way of communicating vs dancing around with poisoned words.

She'd glance behind. Knowing that Winnie would be there as she idly played with her ring of levitation. Seeing as she was one of the only Drow she had encountered that couldn't just naturally cast that spell.

"Grand Bazaar?"

She'd ask with raised white brows. It did feel as if they were on a time schedule. Less politics involved in killing someone in that neck of the stalagmites.

[jsmith506]

Z'ress scratched his head. Weren't they going to hell? Oh right, Mr. Nerty needed a soul first and Niwyn and auntie were going to fetch one. He shuddered then and quickly shifted back into his green skinned drow form. He always lost his braid during the transformation so his long white hair spilled down over his shoulders. The cello suddenly dissappeared in a puff of smoke, and he was now holding a violin. He shrugged and sat back down on his bent stool and began to play once more.

[Bor'Nerty]

Nerty's right ear twitched as he overheard the exchange between Gel and Aly.

"Suicide mission?"  he mumbled.  "Wellllll.... technically... the only way to get to hell is to...  um... "die", unless you've got infernal blood... so every mission is a suicide mission."

he saw a couple of concerned looks as he twirled a little of the ale foam in his mug with his finger.

"Buuurp!  What?  I've got a special deal with one of the princes of hell to run a touring business of the underworld for living mortals.  Its... a side gig.  Something about 'improving' the reputation of the place by exposing a diverse section of the populace to the better sections and presenting hell as "not as bad as you think.  Well crap, with this group I sure got the 'diverse' part down!"  

he paused with a tiny smirk.  "I've been doing this a long time, so nobody fret.  We'll be fine..." he seemed to be droning on into his mug as he drank.





"So...Belphegor.  That big fat bastard is the shrewdest of the demon princes.  He possesses a fantastic business acumen like no other, and happens to be one of the most intelligent criminal masterminds to ever exist.  He's treating the eternal plane of damnation like a vacation timeshare for the eventual dead.  He wants the tours to go smoothly as possible, so, thanks to him, I'm a somewhat of a celebrity in Samsara."

The infernal goblin suddenly realized that most of what he was saying would likely not translate very well.

"Shit.  I forgot where I was.  Um... you can't die in the nine circles because you're already technically dead when you get there, but only temporarily.  Best not think about it too much!"

he quickly realized he may have said too much, but Z'ress had begun to play the violin, so he tapped along with it, inviting the distraction from himself.

[Bor'Nerty]

~Mood~

youtu.be/lNTesmfospM

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[Gel'hara Ironvein]

Gel would remain closer to Aly, if only because Nerty was an enigma she hadn't decided if he was trust worthy or if he was pure foe pretending to be a friend. She'd glance over at Z'ress as his cello disappeared and returned as a violin. It was too much for her. She had to turn her back to nerty and Z'ress lest they see the sheer look of amuesment on her face. Had that violin been any smaller on him....Her tail would flicker a little and she'd focus on a spot on the wall past Aly's shoulder slowly but deliberately drinking her ale till she was certain she wouldn't show her amusement anymore. Her amusement coming from a saying she'd heard on her travels, that supposed started with the humans and translated down, but it had to do with the smallest violin and crocodile tears. 

Gel would turn her attention to Aly, she wasn't much for drow, but she was in need of amusemant, and Aly was very easy on the eyes. And Gel was a natural flirt. She was very much a you can look but don't touch kind of tabaxi. She'd focus her silver blue eyes on Aly a sly playful smirk cross her face, it was clear that a joke was coming or perhaps an attempt at one, but whatever words would formulate next were only meant in jest and not to be taken too seriously.

'So whats a pretty thing like you, doing being stuck with a bunch of creepos like us?' She'd sip her ale and grin. She didn't think herself as creepy. But for those who'd never met a talking cat, it could be quite disturbing she supposed. She'd glance over at nerty, she'd been listening to what he was saying about their impending trip to hell, and wasn't fully ignoring him. She couldn't quite tell half the time whom exactly he was speaking to. Was it her or Z'ress or both? or whomever still had the ears to listen perhaps. But she was paying attention. It was going to be interesting. 

'Is it as hot as they say it is? I'd hate to be over dressed from being overly cautious, experience mind you.' She had lighter clothing and armor stored with her things that she could change into for the journey if needed and still be able to pack a few extra pokey things too. which would make her feel better having them close instead of missing altogether. 

[Aly'dra]

Aly listened as Nerty chattered on. And suddenly she pictured him sitting around with other goblins just telling stories. She could even imagine many of those stories starting with 'back in my day...' she took a sip of her drink to hide her amusement. Her eyes caught Z'ress as he changed forms and the cello became a violin. Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug at Gel's questions and an amused grin formed.

"Well, Ili is an old friend and I'm bored." She snickered. "So I'm taking my chances."

Her ears were also listening as Nerty continued on and she just shook her head. She watched Nerty as Gel asked her question.

"Mmmm...that's a good question. Regardless, I should probably find an outfit better suited for adventuring."

She looked down at her dress to emphasis her point. She snapped her fingers and her outfit changed. Instead of a low cut dress she was now in a pair of form fitting pants, a shirt with flowy sleeves and corset over it, and a pair of boots.

"There, that will do for now."

She took another sip of her drink before setting the glass down on the bar. 

[Bor'Nerty]

The infernal goblin sat his oversized, now empty mug down with both hands.  He could lift it easily, although it was slightly awkward.  He wiped his chin daintily with a handkerchief he produced from his vest pocket.

"Ahem Now then.  Perhaps a riddle, game, or sport to pass the time?  I'm thinkin' a bit of fun before we get down to it, I'm thinking, but no funny stuff.  Business transactions can wait until Ilimetha and Winnie get back."  Nerty seemed slightly sober for a moment as he looked around the room at the others.  He would wait to see if anyone had a suggestion.

He watched Gel for a few seconds while he looked around, observing that one of her ears always seemed pointed in his direction no matter which way she was facing, every time he spoke.  Since she was being so observant, he decided that he'd give her something to listen to -to test her self control (because those who are too impulsive do not last long in hell).  Bor'Nerty muttered to himself.  "pspspsps...Kitty-kitty don't trust me, eh?  Probably for the best.  But... maybe.  maybe...May. Be. -I'd grow on ya if you'd try get to know me a little... and maybe it'd easier if you didn't lean into believing the ingrained stereotypes of my goblin heritageholy shit...  I just realized why I wake up most days in such a bad mood!"

He shook this moment of self-realization off.  He suddenly needed another drink.

"Well... like the song says, I could use this bit of change."  He flipped a silver coin on the bar, smirking at Reginald.  "I want a bottle of something strong and dirty with rocks, but no slugs."

The goblin slumped in his barstool and leaned on the bar.  He really wished he had stocked up on Felweed and Nightlight Fungus for his pipe.

[Ilimetha]

**A couple of hours pass**

Ilimetha strolled into the bar by her lonesome, a neutral but not unpleasant look upon her features. Reginald caught the appearance of the lone Drowess, and poured her a glass of Fey wyne as she slipped herself into the middle of the group. She'd wink to Nerty, giving a pouch on her hip a light pat.

"I believe I have what you need."

She'd snicker then, taking up the glass and leaning so that she'd playfully hit Aly with her hip.

"But I guess I'm what you get for a caretaker while you're away. The Crimson Wind is leading a group of merchants from Brown Mushroom Mercantile Company. I didn't want to spoil her fun. She'll be along when she's done."

Reginald seemed to linger near the group until he heard that the boss was fine. Once he heard that confirmation he went back to his duties of polishing glasses.

"I assume you lot had a good time without me. Glad to see we're all still here. Shall we get this show on the road?"

[Bor'Nerty]

Bor'Nerty had drifted off into a light slumber, as he blew bubbles in an over-sized martini glass.  He heard Gel and Aly chat for a while as he sputtered and snored.  His voice filled the room as he spoke in a demonic chant between snores.

"zzzzzz.... Beezlebum Frazzled Muzzled Grizzlies Mug Bedazzled Muggles ...Ominous cinema...*record scratch*zzz...
...Ominous cinema... Selggum Delzzadeb Gum Seilzzirg Delzzum Delzzarf Mubelzeeb!zzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

His tiny foot kicked in the air in a sudden spasm.  His ear twitched as Ilimetha entered the room.  He sniffed.

The goblin's infernal eyes opened, and they were solid white, giving him a ghastly expression as he stretched.

His head craned up and his eyes rolled back into place with fine slits.  They returned to normal a few seconds later.

Bor Nerty's nostril flared out as he puckered his lips in disgust.  "I smell a really foul soul.  Or Ilimetha needs to lay off the tubers."  

He shook it off.

"I'm joshin' ya, Ili."  He snorted.  "I know what yer thinkin'...I'm regular and I bathed last week, so it's probably not me this time."

He nodded, agreeing that it was time to get moving.

"Yeah.  Little bit of legal paperwork and we'll be on our way."  The infernal goblin pulled out a one page contract with fine print, one for everyone traveling to the underworld.  "Standard stuff.  Read it carefully, sign in blood, yada yada..."

It was a legal liability form, covering that under contract each participant will receive a 20% share of additional payload as well as complimentary soul protection.  Additionally, it states that Bor'Nerty and known associates are not liable for the condition of signer's soul once they have left the mortal plane.  Selling of one's soul for a timeshare in eternal paradise is not to be advertised nor offered during the tour, but brochures are available for those interested.*  

*Up until 1587, the entity known as Lucifer, commonly known as the Devil has been known for charging upwards of 25% APR on buying souls. Thankfully, the selling rate remains at a steady 7% (due to inflation, it may be higher or lower, but this remains as the steady median) because of Faust’s Law; named after a man who sold his soul for eternal knowledge and was harassed by demons for the exorbitant stipulations. However, while Faust’s Law is popular among current legislators, it is not strongly enforced by the government; make sure that you have a lawyer you can trust, and read all of the fine print before signing in your own blood. You will know that something is wrong with the contract when your blood curdles, so make sure to read carefully before signing off on the transaction, otherwise your being is in great danger of being over burdened with unforeseen interest rates.


 

[jsmith506]

Z'ress stopped playing and sat the violin down on the bar, completely unphased by the fact it had transmogrified back into a smaller form. He loved string instruments and was proficient with nearly any he got ahold of. He looked over the contract. "Mr Nerty.... this 20% payload.... Are you planning on using us as mules to smuggle contraband into hell?"

[Bor'Nerty]

Bor'Nerty frowned.  "No, my fine green fellow, you'll be smuggling contraband OUT of hell.  That's far more interesting, isn't it?  Technically, we'll need the swag to traverse to the pirate flotilla."

The infernal goblin smacked his lips as he chewed on the end of a plastic sword toothpick.

"Conveniently, my father, the immortal pirate king, is out of town.  I wouldn't be taking any of you down there during raiding season, just so you know, so this trip will be relatively safe.  The dead pirates are nothing more than a roving gang of damned miscreants, anyhow.  Aguya is holed up in their stronghold, as their... mascot?  guest?  prisoner?  One of those.  Well.. they've got what's left of him anyway, and if we spring him, I think he'll tell us where his eye is."

"Not like he needs it." He smirked, wondering what the cat lady was up to.  This gig was perfect for her.


"So... the contract is binding, but due to some legalities, you will find the usual tricky 'I'm gonna screw you over' clause absent.  In order to run a legit touring business of hell, I had to jump through a few loopholes to get around infernal politics."


He paused.  "Sounds overly complicated, I know.  When all have signed and are ready, we must join hands."  


Bor'Nerty cleared his throat, suddenly sober as a judge.

"Ladies and Gents, for your safety, I... have a few ground rules to touch on before we go:

If you have something you want to take with you, make sure it's on your person right now. 

Be sure not to carry any food, Pomegranate fruit or seeds especially.  I had a theology professor who thought he was being cute, and he got swarmed by imps and devoured even after being warned.  Took a full year to put him back together, and once we popped his soul back I don't think he was ever the same again.  He was institutionalized, and I think he does really sad watercolors now.

Don't eat anything you find.  If you do eat anything, make sure it is at an offered feast or banquet, or is offered to you directly.  You still have to nourish your body, and it is super easy to lose track of time down there.

Try not to stare.  You might see tits and dicks, probably at the same time.  Get it out of your system early and remember if you do decide to partake in any ... activity...  there will likely be some unpleasant consequences.

Wear a helmet, bring a towel!  We're off to Samsara, Hell's very bowel!"

Bor'Nerty's eyes glinted with a flash of excitement.

     

[Gel'hara Ironvein]

Gel's ear would twitch slightly hearing Nerty, but choosing to ignore his litteral cat calls. But she had glanced in his general direction at the time with narrowed eyes, formulating the opinion in her mind that he reminded her of a pink goblin shapped horny toad. Emphasis on horny. But time had passed and they were lulled into complacancy with Z'ress's song, making the time go faster than it had felt like. She'd made some conversation with Aly giving her a nod of approval and compliment on her change of outfit. A small smirk on her face. A woman after her own taste in style. Perhaps, they might learn to be friends by the time the adventure was over. 

She'd eventually made her way over to Z'ress a distracted look on her face as she read the contract nerty had handed her. Her tail reaching up to tickle Z'ress's long ear. It'd been a minute since she'd fucked with shit-ass. And She knew how sensitive drow ears were...especially to the silky soft fur of a tabaxi's tail. 

She had basically everything she needed, she'd pat herself down opeing her cloak, revealing all kinds of sharp pointy weapons of various natures. she'd check her boots making sure her calf blades remained in place. before checking her pouch where nerty's gift was kept safe amongst other things including a deceptively small magical staff, that in the pouch looked no bigger than a tooth pick. But with a flick of Gel's hand it would be full sized fighting staff. But it remained safley in her purse for the time being. 

She'd take one of her smaller blades out of her cloak, it was long thin and pointy like a needle with a hilt. She'd prick one of her fingers deep enough to draw blood. Using her finger she'd sign the contract with a messy blood stained signature.

'Thank goodness I've got nine lives to spare.' she'd wink before handing over her contract. A thought crossing her mind, if she would have to deal with Nerty's absurd attentions the entire journey.

[Bor'Nerty]

Bor'Nerty would hand them each an enchanted crystal to borrow. "These are for the tour, and you'll want to give them back to me after we get back, unless you want to be undead. Anyhow... the soul has to go somewhere while you're in the underworld.  Soulstones are valuable to warlocks, but worthless to pretty much everyone else."

The infernal goblin muttered a quick spell that would take a while to complete, but this was the time they had to shift planes.  The three stones would glow a soft neon pink.  He made sure Z'ress had his instrument, saw that Aly (now dressed for adventuring) was wearing her new ring, and that Gel had her ornate bell attached to a fashionable choker. He checked his pocket for the captured soul capsule and nodded to the others.

"Heh.  Sign away."

Bor'Nerty slapped his hands together and tittered as Aly and Z'ress eventually signed.  A small jar of blood had been provided nearby, but he noted that Gel had opted to use her own. 

"Oh, wow!  Pay attention, everyone! That is how you get into the spirit of things!!!" the tiefling goblin was genuinely impressed with Gel'hara.  "Wrap that up good, imps can smell fresh blood for miles!" 

Needless to say, Nerty was turned on as well, but he would not indicate as such.  He shook it off as he carefully put on fingerless gloves with a sly smirk.  He just couldn't help himself around the tabaxi.

"AHEM! Off to Samsara!  If you are all ready...Let's all join hands... and don't let go until I say."

Bor'Nerty's tail would wiggle excitedly as he held his hands out to Z'ress and Aly, as Gel joined in.  They would be leaving the Drunken Dwarf post haste.


~~~BAHMF~~~

~~~

Reginald grunted. Bor'Nerty had not fully paid his extraordinary large tab.

He shrugged.  The goblin was unpredictable, but he'd be back eventually to settle up, like always.

[Ilimetha]

Ilimetha would only watch, smiling and waving at them from behind the bar as they poofed away.

"Have fun storming the castle!"

She'd snicker, collecting the soul gems left behind by the group and taking them back to Winnie's quarters for safe keeping. She wondered what was keeping that gnome.

[Gel'hara Ironvein]

She'd bring her finger up to her mouth sucking it softly while lapping it with her tongue. Her saliva having healing properties, sealing the tiny wound, when nerty told her to seal it up. She'd reach up itching the 'choker' that was more of a goddamn collar than jewerly, making the little bell ring a little. before she joined them after everyone else had signed. She'd take a deep breath. This was going to be an interesting adventure. she'd take alley and Z'ress's hands completling the circle. Her last visual before they vanished was illy waving goodbye and telling them to have fun. She'd closed her eyes and waited to see what happened next.