Post by Mel Benett on Sept 18, 2022 22:23:59 GMT -5
Mel's mind kept replaying the night as she laid there trying to fall asleep. She had to remind herself it all actually happened and it was not some fever dream. Because that's what it felt like in her hazy state, just a dream. The feel of being in Erick's arms again and his lips on hers. Her fingers touched her lips at that thought. It truly felt like she was whole being with him. Then her mind ran through all the things she used to try and fill in those missing pieces right after he disappeared - sex, drinking, weed, partying in general, spending time with friends. Really anything that kept her pre-occupied and distracted. Eventually, she buried the pain so far down that she forgot about it. He'd occasionally cross her mind but she pushed him out as soon as he did. The pain was eventually buried so deep she didn’t even recognize what it was when it did appear.
For the first time in five years she didn't try to push down the feelings. She let herself feel it all. And it hurt. Despite the pain she was still glad Erick had revealed himself to her. Seeing him again gave her a peace of mind even if it left her with more questions. She hugged a pillow to her and cried into it so her cries would be muffled.
The next day she'd get up rather unwillingly. The only thing she really did was move from the bed to the couch. She kept water with her but eating was hardly a thought. She just didn't feel hungry. There were lots of things she should do but she didn't have the motivation. It was only later in the afternoon that she decided to get up.
Still feeling in a bit of a daze she wandered into the kitchen. She paced a bit, biting the skin around her nail. Drinking wasn't the answer but she pulled out a bottle of vodka anyway. She poured some into a glass and poured in some cranberry juice. This would do for now.
Her eyes landed on the guitar sitting by the door still. She picked it up on her way back to the couch. She opened it and pulled it out. Her fingertips brushed lightly over the strings. It was strange she had never told Erick that she played. Their summers together were mostly about partying and stealing time alone together at every opportunity. That didn't really leave time to deep dive into hobbies. She idly strummed before starting to play Is It Just Me, singing quietly as she did. Her voice and the emotions in it were raw. Not that there was anyone around to hear her.
She wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. She put the guitar down and picked up her drink. Her unplanned reunion with Erick had thrown her for a loop in a way she hadn’t been in years. And she felt like she was spinning out of control. She took a sip and decided to allow herself the day and then tomorrow she would start fresh. That was her plan anyway. But things don't always go as planned. And she spiraled emotionally.
At some point she closed all her curtains. The sun felt way to bright for her mood. She also put her phone on silent. She didn't want to talk to anyone and she didn't want to see anyone. Unlike the last time she went dark, she didn't tell anyone. She just didn't respond to calls or texts. She knew isolating herself wasn't healthy but she needed time and space. The only thing her phone did get used for was ordering out, if she felt like eating.
The only thing marking the passage of time was the collection of empty bottles and less reliably, the takeout containers. 2 days, maybe 3? But all she knew was that she now was staring down the tiffany blue box on the coffee table.
After she got home the third summer she hid it and kept it hidden anytime she moved. She just couldn't bring herself to get rid of it. The ring was much bigger than any 17 year old had a right to own. And certainly bigger than a simple promise ring should be. But he had always gone overboard in her opinion. Erick had been what, 18? He'd given it to her sometime after her birthday that second summer. It was also during the chaos of his family drama that year. She picked up the box. Digging it out to show Kai had been the first time in a long time it had seen the light of day.
Her fingers ran over the box lightly, almost longingly before opening it. She inspected the ring closely for a moment. It was too much and she had told him so when he gave it to her. But she had accepted it as graciously as she could. She hesitantly slipped the ring onto her left ring finger. It felt strange putting it on. She moved her hand this way and that looking at it. She imagined a while different world. One where Edward hadn't died. Mel and Erick made their long distance relationship work until they could agree on where'd they live - Boston, LA, NYC, somewhere between the two maybe. Or maybe they'd just move abroad to get away from everyone. Paris or even some little village in Italy. She imagined long conversations about it making sure they were both comfortable with the decision. Would they be planning a family or decide to remain childless due to their own family dramas? She didn't know. She had never felt a desire to be a mother but being with the love of her life may have changed her mind. Or would they instead be childless world travelers, living a life their friends would be jealous of? Would they actually ever marry or just stay perpetually engaged? She could envision all those different unlived lives.
She sat with the ring on for what seemed like forever before pulling it off and putting it away once the should have beens and what ifs got too heavy. She closed the box and held it in her hand tightly. She wanted to cry again but she felt like there were no tears left. The box would go back into it's hiding spot for now.
The thing that had been hardest for her was she never had anyone she could talk to to help her through it - not back then anyway. Richard was the only one who knew how serious Mel and Erick had been about each other back then. And who wants to talk about feelings with their step-dad? She could have tried to talk to Jory but that wouldn't have been of any use so Mel didn't waste her energy. She had never told Kai or Safi about Erick. Mostly out of fear that they'd make fun of her. Especially Kai. She could hear him teasing her about some supposed boyfriend. She did finally confess to him about the past and what had led to her asking him to pick her up from the resort in the middle of the night.
Her brain circled back to the events. She still had to tell Landyn. She paced, fresh drink in hand. How would she even start that conversation? Sorry, babe, a ghost from my past came back. I kinda made out with him. Oh, and I still love him. And now that I know he is in fact alive I don't know if it's fair to you to keep this thing going? She ran her free hand through her hair as she sipped her drink. She liked Landyn a lot. They had an undeniable chemistry. She had to like him for her to even be dating. He'd been helping her learn that it was okay to be in a relationship, whether he realized it or not. He never judged her for anything and, she felt, had been incredibly patient and understanding with her. All of that made her want to see where it went. But she wasn't sure he'd forgive her.
On the other hand, she'd seen Erick. He was alive. And he had come to the wedding reception just to see her. But why hadn't he attempted to see her sooner? Despite her frustration with him and his unwillingness to share anything, she did still hold space for him. She hadn’t lied to Kai when she told him that she felt like she and Erick were meant to be together since she was 15. She sighed. Erick seemed so sure they'd see each other again - sooner rather than later. And she wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe that they'd be able to work through all this - the years of silence, the secrecy, keeping her in the dark. She wanted to believe that they'd be able to give their relationship the real chance they were robbed of. Robbed because he said he had no choice. She still wasn't sure she entirely believed that. As she told him, even when things are out of our control there are still things we can control. There are always choices that can be made. So why did he wait so long to make this choice to reveal himself? And Kai was right, though she'd probably admit that only over her dead, cold body. Why did seeing him again have to 'shake, rattle, and roll' her current life? Because she still loved him. It was as simple and complicated as that. Part of her regretted they didn' try to run away together during one of their summers. Though they would have been found.
He had said he would need her in the future. Something told her they would need each other. She felt that in her bones. But she wondered if he knew something she didn't? Why would he need her? If he needed her, why in the future and not the past? He said she was the light to his darkness. He said she always had been. A small frown touched her lips.
It wasn’t fair to her that he showed up out of the blue. Was there really a good way to handle it though? A phone call first? Mel probably would have hung up thinking it was some sick joke. Finding the right time to surprise her in a public place? Too stalkerish. Also too risky for him, she was sure. He admitted that he wasn’t even supposed to be in LA. She had more questions than answers and her mind going down this rabbit hole was not helping. Could haves, should haves, what ifs, and wondering about an unknown future…
She took another sip of her drink and when she looked up she saw a dark figure standing in the corner of her kitchen. She could have sworn that was Erick but she knew it wasn't. A brow arched. The last thing she needed was her mind was playing games with her. She shook her head.
"You're not real."
She put the glass on the counter after downing what was left. She rubbed the palms of her hands over her eyes. The dark shadow figure disappeared, not really having been there in the first place. Her mind drifted back to the night. He had shown her his wrists and answered the why. She hadn’t asked but he knew she was wondering. There were other markings on his arms. She didn't get a good look at any of them. And when she asked him how he let go of his past, he said conditioning. The markings and shady as shit answer of conditioning did spark an idea.
She refilled her water bottle before grabbing her laptop, a notebook, and a pencil. Setting up shop at her coffee table she waited for the laptop to boot up. Briefly she thought about calling Kai. This shit was right up his alley. But she wasn't going to drag him any further into her current web of crazy. She would start searching cults.
Hours passed and she'd filled pages of her notebook with notes. There were a few pieces of loose paper with symbols and words jotted on them. She desperately tried to recall the markings she saw on Erick's arms. She sat there holding her pencil in her hand and her head in her hand. Sighing heavily she blew a piece of hair out of her face. She shifted slightly tapping the eraser to her forehead. What was she doing? Did she really think she'd find an answer this way? She leaned back against the couch looking at the items strewn about the coffee table. She felt crazy. She rubbed her face and let out a frustrated noise.
Mel stood and wandered into the kitchen. She poured another drink and took a healthy swig. Her brain was running through some of the information she just read. Maybe it was a bad idea to go down the rabbit hole of cults and conspiracy theories. She leaned against the island and her eyes landed on the knife block.
She pulled out the chef's knife. She twisted it gently, the dim kitchen light dancing off the shiny blade. She couldn't go get a tattoo. But physical pain was a good outlet for emotional pain, right? She gently touched the pad of her finger to the sharpness of the knife, careful not to actually cut herself. How did she not think of this sooner? She held the knife in her right hand and pressed the blade gently against the skin of her left arm. Hadn't she heard that slicing upwards was a better bet than slicing the wrists? It would only be painful for a moment as the metal cut into her skin. She shook her head and put the knife in the sink.
"Don't be stupid…"
She muttered to herself. She needed to do something tactile. Something to release the frustration and emotions that had been weaving in and out of her the past several days. Finally, she got up. She showered and changed into a pair of pajama pants and tank top. Buried deep in her closet was a hoodie she'd "stolen" from Erick their first summer. It was a forgotten relic from a past age. She put it on over her tank top. It was way too big on her still but it was an item of comfort.
She sat down on the couch and looked around trying to decide what to do. IF she hadn't been drinking she could go to the shooting range. Frank had taught her to shoot when she was younger, much to Martha's dismay. But she couldn't drive and she definitely shouldn't be shooting guns in her condition. Did Kai know she knew how to shoot? Or that she owned a pistol? She couldn't remember. It didn't really matter either way she supposed.
The TV would emit a soft glow in the dimness of her apartment. She had a few gaming consoles even though she wasn't as much of a gamer as some of the people she knew. Not wanting to risk being found online during her self quarantine she would go old school. She grabbed the controller for her N64 and put in the cartridge for GoldenEye 007. She'd still get to shoot at things.
She put on one of her playlists. The Killers All These Things That I've Done came on. She sang along under her breath as she played her game. "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier..." At least she was doing more than moping around or going down conspiracy theory rabbit holes. The thought that she should get in touch with someone did cross her mind. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to talk to anyone.
She'd already considered calling Kai and ruled that out. She knew he would always be there no matter what. He'd proven that time and again. But she'd dumped on him a lot lately. She also knew she just couldn't handle the silent judgement right now. Most of the time it didn't bother her. But she'd fucked up in so many ways lately that it was harder to just brush it off.
Safi was also out as well as Jen. She loved them both dearly. But she knew Safi was busy with trying to get jobs lined up. And she didn’t know where Saf was at with what's his face. Deacon? And of course, Jen had Mikey. She didn't want to bother them with her drama.
She let out a deep sigh and stared at her phone. She put the controller down and typed out a text to Landyn but then deleted it in a moment of panic. What could she text that would sound neutral and not ominous? She knew she'd have to talk to him eventually.
She would have to talk to all of them eventually. But today wasn't that day. She picked up the controller and went back to her game.
For the first time in five years she didn't try to push down the feelings. She let herself feel it all. And it hurt. Despite the pain she was still glad Erick had revealed himself to her. Seeing him again gave her a peace of mind even if it left her with more questions. She hugged a pillow to her and cried into it so her cries would be muffled.
The next day she'd get up rather unwillingly. The only thing she really did was move from the bed to the couch. She kept water with her but eating was hardly a thought. She just didn't feel hungry. There were lots of things she should do but she didn't have the motivation. It was only later in the afternoon that she decided to get up.
Still feeling in a bit of a daze she wandered into the kitchen. She paced a bit, biting the skin around her nail. Drinking wasn't the answer but she pulled out a bottle of vodka anyway. She poured some into a glass and poured in some cranberry juice. This would do for now.
Her eyes landed on the guitar sitting by the door still. She picked it up on her way back to the couch. She opened it and pulled it out. Her fingertips brushed lightly over the strings. It was strange she had never told Erick that she played. Their summers together were mostly about partying and stealing time alone together at every opportunity. That didn't really leave time to deep dive into hobbies. She idly strummed before starting to play Is It Just Me, singing quietly as she did. Her voice and the emotions in it were raw. Not that there was anyone around to hear her.
She wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. She put the guitar down and picked up her drink. Her unplanned reunion with Erick had thrown her for a loop in a way she hadn’t been in years. And she felt like she was spinning out of control. She took a sip and decided to allow herself the day and then tomorrow she would start fresh. That was her plan anyway. But things don't always go as planned. And she spiraled emotionally.
At some point she closed all her curtains. The sun felt way to bright for her mood. She also put her phone on silent. She didn't want to talk to anyone and she didn't want to see anyone. Unlike the last time she went dark, she didn't tell anyone. She just didn't respond to calls or texts. She knew isolating herself wasn't healthy but she needed time and space. The only thing her phone did get used for was ordering out, if she felt like eating.
The only thing marking the passage of time was the collection of empty bottles and less reliably, the takeout containers. 2 days, maybe 3? But all she knew was that she now was staring down the tiffany blue box on the coffee table.
After she got home the third summer she hid it and kept it hidden anytime she moved. She just couldn't bring herself to get rid of it. The ring was much bigger than any 17 year old had a right to own. And certainly bigger than a simple promise ring should be. But he had always gone overboard in her opinion. Erick had been what, 18? He'd given it to her sometime after her birthday that second summer. It was also during the chaos of his family drama that year. She picked up the box. Digging it out to show Kai had been the first time in a long time it had seen the light of day.
Her fingers ran over the box lightly, almost longingly before opening it. She inspected the ring closely for a moment. It was too much and she had told him so when he gave it to her. But she had accepted it as graciously as she could. She hesitantly slipped the ring onto her left ring finger. It felt strange putting it on. She moved her hand this way and that looking at it. She imagined a while different world. One where Edward hadn't died. Mel and Erick made their long distance relationship work until they could agree on where'd they live - Boston, LA, NYC, somewhere between the two maybe. Or maybe they'd just move abroad to get away from everyone. Paris or even some little village in Italy. She imagined long conversations about it making sure they were both comfortable with the decision. Would they be planning a family or decide to remain childless due to their own family dramas? She didn't know. She had never felt a desire to be a mother but being with the love of her life may have changed her mind. Or would they instead be childless world travelers, living a life their friends would be jealous of? Would they actually ever marry or just stay perpetually engaged? She could envision all those different unlived lives.
She sat with the ring on for what seemed like forever before pulling it off and putting it away once the should have beens and what ifs got too heavy. She closed the box and held it in her hand tightly. She wanted to cry again but she felt like there were no tears left. The box would go back into it's hiding spot for now.
The thing that had been hardest for her was she never had anyone she could talk to to help her through it - not back then anyway. Richard was the only one who knew how serious Mel and Erick had been about each other back then. And who wants to talk about feelings with their step-dad? She could have tried to talk to Jory but that wouldn't have been of any use so Mel didn't waste her energy. She had never told Kai or Safi about Erick. Mostly out of fear that they'd make fun of her. Especially Kai. She could hear him teasing her about some supposed boyfriend. She did finally confess to him about the past and what had led to her asking him to pick her up from the resort in the middle of the night.
Her brain circled back to the events. She still had to tell Landyn. She paced, fresh drink in hand. How would she even start that conversation? Sorry, babe, a ghost from my past came back. I kinda made out with him. Oh, and I still love him. And now that I know he is in fact alive I don't know if it's fair to you to keep this thing going? She ran her free hand through her hair as she sipped her drink. She liked Landyn a lot. They had an undeniable chemistry. She had to like him for her to even be dating. He'd been helping her learn that it was okay to be in a relationship, whether he realized it or not. He never judged her for anything and, she felt, had been incredibly patient and understanding with her. All of that made her want to see where it went. But she wasn't sure he'd forgive her.
On the other hand, she'd seen Erick. He was alive. And he had come to the wedding reception just to see her. But why hadn't he attempted to see her sooner? Despite her frustration with him and his unwillingness to share anything, she did still hold space for him. She hadn’t lied to Kai when she told him that she felt like she and Erick were meant to be together since she was 15. She sighed. Erick seemed so sure they'd see each other again - sooner rather than later. And she wanted to believe that. She wanted to believe that they'd be able to work through all this - the years of silence, the secrecy, keeping her in the dark. She wanted to believe that they'd be able to give their relationship the real chance they were robbed of. Robbed because he said he had no choice. She still wasn't sure she entirely believed that. As she told him, even when things are out of our control there are still things we can control. There are always choices that can be made. So why did he wait so long to make this choice to reveal himself? And Kai was right, though she'd probably admit that only over her dead, cold body. Why did seeing him again have to 'shake, rattle, and roll' her current life? Because she still loved him. It was as simple and complicated as that. Part of her regretted they didn' try to run away together during one of their summers. Though they would have been found.
He had said he would need her in the future. Something told her they would need each other. She felt that in her bones. But she wondered if he knew something she didn't? Why would he need her? If he needed her, why in the future and not the past? He said she was the light to his darkness. He said she always had been. A small frown touched her lips.
It wasn’t fair to her that he showed up out of the blue. Was there really a good way to handle it though? A phone call first? Mel probably would have hung up thinking it was some sick joke. Finding the right time to surprise her in a public place? Too stalkerish. Also too risky for him, she was sure. He admitted that he wasn’t even supposed to be in LA. She had more questions than answers and her mind going down this rabbit hole was not helping. Could haves, should haves, what ifs, and wondering about an unknown future…
She took another sip of her drink and when she looked up she saw a dark figure standing in the corner of her kitchen. She could have sworn that was Erick but she knew it wasn't. A brow arched. The last thing she needed was her mind was playing games with her. She shook her head.
"You're not real."
She put the glass on the counter after downing what was left. She rubbed the palms of her hands over her eyes. The dark shadow figure disappeared, not really having been there in the first place. Her mind drifted back to the night. He had shown her his wrists and answered the why. She hadn’t asked but he knew she was wondering. There were other markings on his arms. She didn't get a good look at any of them. And when she asked him how he let go of his past, he said conditioning. The markings and shady as shit answer of conditioning did spark an idea.
She refilled her water bottle before grabbing her laptop, a notebook, and a pencil. Setting up shop at her coffee table she waited for the laptop to boot up. Briefly she thought about calling Kai. This shit was right up his alley. But she wasn't going to drag him any further into her current web of crazy. She would start searching cults.
Hours passed and she'd filled pages of her notebook with notes. There were a few pieces of loose paper with symbols and words jotted on them. She desperately tried to recall the markings she saw on Erick's arms. She sat there holding her pencil in her hand and her head in her hand. Sighing heavily she blew a piece of hair out of her face. She shifted slightly tapping the eraser to her forehead. What was she doing? Did she really think she'd find an answer this way? She leaned back against the couch looking at the items strewn about the coffee table. She felt crazy. She rubbed her face and let out a frustrated noise.
Mel stood and wandered into the kitchen. She poured another drink and took a healthy swig. Her brain was running through some of the information she just read. Maybe it was a bad idea to go down the rabbit hole of cults and conspiracy theories. She leaned against the island and her eyes landed on the knife block.
She pulled out the chef's knife. She twisted it gently, the dim kitchen light dancing off the shiny blade. She couldn't go get a tattoo. But physical pain was a good outlet for emotional pain, right? She gently touched the pad of her finger to the sharpness of the knife, careful not to actually cut herself. How did she not think of this sooner? She held the knife in her right hand and pressed the blade gently against the skin of her left arm. Hadn't she heard that slicing upwards was a better bet than slicing the wrists? It would only be painful for a moment as the metal cut into her skin. She shook her head and put the knife in the sink.
"Don't be stupid…"
She muttered to herself. She needed to do something tactile. Something to release the frustration and emotions that had been weaving in and out of her the past several days. Finally, she got up. She showered and changed into a pair of pajama pants and tank top. Buried deep in her closet was a hoodie she'd "stolen" from Erick their first summer. It was a forgotten relic from a past age. She put it on over her tank top. It was way too big on her still but it was an item of comfort.
She sat down on the couch and looked around trying to decide what to do. IF she hadn't been drinking she could go to the shooting range. Frank had taught her to shoot when she was younger, much to Martha's dismay. But she couldn't drive and she definitely shouldn't be shooting guns in her condition. Did Kai know she knew how to shoot? Or that she owned a pistol? She couldn't remember. It didn't really matter either way she supposed.
The TV would emit a soft glow in the dimness of her apartment. She had a few gaming consoles even though she wasn't as much of a gamer as some of the people she knew. Not wanting to risk being found online during her self quarantine she would go old school. She grabbed the controller for her N64 and put in the cartridge for GoldenEye 007. She'd still get to shoot at things.
She put on one of her playlists. The Killers All These Things That I've Done came on. She sang along under her breath as she played her game. "I've got soul but I'm not a soldier..." At least she was doing more than moping around or going down conspiracy theory rabbit holes. The thought that she should get in touch with someone did cross her mind. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to talk to anyone.
She'd already considered calling Kai and ruled that out. She knew he would always be there no matter what. He'd proven that time and again. But she'd dumped on him a lot lately. She also knew she just couldn't handle the silent judgement right now. Most of the time it didn't bother her. But she'd fucked up in so many ways lately that it was harder to just brush it off.
Safi was also out as well as Jen. She loved them both dearly. But she knew Safi was busy with trying to get jobs lined up. And she didn’t know where Saf was at with what's his face. Deacon? And of course, Jen had Mikey. She didn't want to bother them with her drama.
She let out a deep sigh and stared at her phone. She put the controller down and typed out a text to Landyn but then deleted it in a moment of panic. What could she text that would sound neutral and not ominous? She knew she'd have to talk to him eventually.
She would have to talk to all of them eventually. But today wasn't that day. She picked up the controller and went back to her game.